How to share your Sexual Fantasies with your Partner/s
Let’s talk about sexual fantasies, or rather let’s talk about HOW to talk about sexual fantasies. Almost all of us have sexual fantasies. According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, author of “Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life”, 97-98% of individuals report having them and having them often.
So, if we’re all having sexual fantasies, why can it be so hard to share them? Well, one reason may be fear of the unknown. This fear may produce thoughts like, ‘What if they think it’s weird? What if they judge me? What if they are repulsed?’. Know that these thoughts are common and totally normal. As Dr. Lehmiller has found in his research, 72.2% of individuals anticipate a negative response in sharing their sexual fantasies with a partner or partners. What Dr. Lehmiller discovered when discussing this with the 53.7% of individuals who HAVE shared their favorite fantasy with a partner or partners, 71% received a positive response! 14% were neutral and 15% were negative, showing that there is some overlap in how their partner/s responded.
Now that we have this information coursing through our brains, let’s start to break down how you can begin to have this conversation with your partner/s!
What is sexual fantasy?
If you’ve read any of my other blogs, you know I like to start out by defining what we’ll be talking about (gotta keep us on the same page here). Sexual fantasy can be defined as a sexual thought or image that an individual finds arousing or erotic. Also, sexual fantasies are deliberate and happen when we are conscious. So that means that dreams do not qualify as a sexual fantasy. Yes, you may have a dream about one of your sexual fantasies, but that does not mean that every dream equals a sexual fantasy. Even if the dream is sexual in nature.
Assessing your comfort level
I know, I know. You really want to know how to share your sexual fantasy already. But first things first! You will want to be comfortable with the fantasy or fantasies you want to share. Why is that important? Well, if you have any guilt or shame around your sexual fantasies, it may make it more difficult to share them with anyone else. So, make sure you have come to terms with and have accepted the sexual fantasy. If this is an area of difficulty, it may be a topic you want to discuss with a therapist.
Some other things to keep in mind when you start sharing, is that you do NOT have to share all your sexual fantasies at one time or at all. Take your time. You can start with sexual fantasies that you feel your partner/s will be into and/or sexual fantasies that include them! By starting with these sexual fantasies, your partner/s may be more receptive, and it can help ease any apprehension you are feeling about sharing.
Another thing to keep in mind before sharing your sexual fantasies, is that just because you have a sexual fantasy does not necessarily mean that you want to make it a reality. Some sexual fantasies are just that. Fantasy.
Setting up the environment
Setting the scene for this conversation is going to be just as important as the conversation itself. So how do you set up the environment? Well, first off, you’ll want to have a location that is comfortable for both you and your partner/s. You will want this location to be private, and a place where you and your partner/s feel relaxed. This space should also be set up to where you won’t be distracted by other things, like cell phones, children, and pets. Lastly, sharing these sexual fantasies may lead to some sexy times, so that’s another reason why setting up the environment is so important.
Starting the conversation
Ok, you’ve set the scene, you’re comfortable with the sexual fantasies you are having, and you have a plan of which ones you want to share first with your partner/s. But how do you actually start the conversation? This is a tough conversation to get off the ground, even with setting the scene, nerves can get the best of us. So, I’m going to turn to Dr. Lehmiller again to share some of his ideas for icebreakers into talking about sexual fantasies.
They include:
Watching a steamy movie together and discussing afterwards
Going to a sex shop or website; joining a “sex toy of the month” club
Playing an erotic game (e.g., truth or dare, would you rather?)
“I had a dream about XXX last night...” or “I was daydreaming about you today...”
Now, you are not limited to these icebreakers, obviously, but they are a great way to get the wheels turning if you are stumped on how to bring up the conversation with your partner/s.
Keeping the conversation going
Woohoo! You’ve gotten the conversation going, that is the biggest hurdle in talking about sexual fantasies with a partner or partners. It should now be easier to continue discussing your sexual fantasies, as you may not have had enough time to share all you wanted to share in that initial conversation. Or, like we talked about earlier, you may not have been ready to share all your sexual fantasies.
Remember, sexual fantasies are deeply personal and can open us to judgment from someone else, most often someone we are close to. I know that being vulnerable isn’t easy, and it is my hope that this blog has helped you find a way to approach sharing sexual fantasies with whomever you want to.
Now, go forth and share those sexual fantasies!
