How to Create Friendship in your Relationship

I recently completed a virtual workshop on the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and it got me thinking about all the couples in my life. I am pretty much surrounded by them (couples), I know most people are, but I have a second level of couples since I work with them. So I want to take some time here and share a bit of the knowledge I learned with you, the couples in my life! Now, don’t worry, I won’t overwhelm you with a breakdown of the entire workshop, but I do want to share one thing I found to be quite impactful. And I warn you, you may not find this to be a groundbreaking thing, but I’m not here to reinvent the wheel. So what’s the thing, you ask? Friendship. Yes, friendship. For a relationship to have continued success and for it to flourish, there has to be a maintained friendship with your partner. Again, I did say it wasn’t going to shatter your world.

But first, let's take a quick step back and get a bit of background on what the Gottman Method Couples Therapy is all about. This therapy method is an evidence based method that was created by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman in the 1980s. The focus is to help couples gain more understanding, empathy & awareness of their relationship and of their partner. The way this is achieved is through talk therapy and exercises given to the couples to work on between their sessions. Couples engaged in this method are able to create better connectedness and enhanced intimacy within their relationship.

“For a relationship to have continued success and for it to flourish, there has to be a maintained friendship with your partner.”

Ok, so let’s go back to friendship. And let’s first look at it through the lens of how most relationships begin. Most of us start off with those fun friendship vibes in the courting stages. And why is that? Well, it’s because we are in a stage where we are constantly learning about our partner and dates are often centered around asking ‘getting to know you’ questions. In an effort to learn as much as we can about this new person entering our lives. Then as time goes on and as we get to know our partners on a deeper level, there is a reduction in question asking. We may also lose track of some of the knowledge we once had about our partner. Keep in mind this is NORMAL, and you are not alone if you fall into this category. Getting to this point may occur if we feel we have gathered all the important data we think we need about our partner. Or, like with other things in life, things have changed or been updated with our partners. Which makes the answers we once knew, now incorrect. This can lead to feelings of disconnection and even loneliness in your relationship.

Do you feel your relationship has hit a point similar to this? Fear not, like I said, this is normal. What follows will be a few ways to reinvigorate and maintain that friendship with your partner. Ready to dive in? I am, so let’s do it! 

One way can be utilizing what Drs. John & Julie dubbed as Love Maps. According to Dr. John Gottman, from his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, a love map is “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” Seems pretty straightforward, right? A place we hold in our brains for the information we have about our partner. Now, I want to talk about maps in general for a second. When new roads are added or a road is closed, the GPS, and even paper maps get updated. So when thinking of our love maps again, this is what happens as we go through life. People, events and other influences can and will change and our maps will need to be updated. And as the partner who is not personally or directly experiencing the change, you may not realize your love map needs an update from your partner. 

How do I update this love map thing? Great question! There are a couple different tools out there to help you out. First there is an app available called the Gottman Card Decks, available for Android and Apple devices, that has several decks available. One of those decks is specifically for working on love maps, it is named ‘love maps’. Keeping it simple to eliminate any confusion. There is also a physical deck that can be bought online to use with your partner. 

Now, I want to give you some tips BEFORE you use these decks. Make sure that you take turns asking questions with your partner. Second, if you don’t know the answer to a question, it is important that you make a guess, opening up the dialog between you and your partner. Third, if your partner answers a question incorrectly about you, do your best to give them the correct answer in a gentle and kind manner. This is not a time we would want to make our partner feel bad for not knowing the answer. And lastly, THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION, so do not keep score. I’m super competitive, so I understand the urge, but resist!! This is about learning and expanding your knowledge on your partner, not winning. Save that for Monopoly®. 

If you find that you are enjoying love maps and want more information, as well as some exercises, check out the book I mentioned above, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John Gottman. The book will take you into much greater detail on ways to potentially improve your relationship, since enhancing your love map is principle one, as laid out in the book. 

Alright, love maps. Check! So what are some other ways that can be helpful to maintain the friendship? One of my favorite ways that I talk about with most, if not all, of my clients, is creating intentional time with your partner. And you can accomplish this in a few different ways. You can establish a dedicated date night, create daily check-ins of 5-30 minutes with your partner (time dependent on your schedule and life circumstances), or whatever activity you decide on that brings you and your partner together for a predetermined amount of time on a consistent basis. Emphasis on remaining consistent! That will be the key to seeing the impact of this tool on your relationship. 

Next, having mutual respect with your partner is another key component to maintaining the friendship. When you have respect for your partner, there is a tendency to be more patient with them, have more open communication and have abundant support. Which these things will go both ways when the respect is there with both partners. So what are some ways I can make sure I’m showing respect to my partner? Great question! First it should be known that respect can be shown to our partners in many different ways. Some of these ways include, but are not limited to: speaking kindly about one another, building each other up, listening to your partner, being able to compromise, and supporting hobbies, careers and each other's interests. Again, these are not the only ways you can show respect to your partner, but one sure fire way to know what your partner needs to be respected is by having a conversation with them. This way you will learn exactly how to make them feel valued. 

“When you have respect for your partner, there is a tendency to be more patient with them, have more open communication and have abundant support”

The last thing I want to talk about on this topic is communication. Being able to communicate with your partner is huge for all aspects of your relationship, including friendship. Communication can help deepen the bond between you and your partner, and with this deeper bond comes more trust that can create a more open and safe space for communication. By creating this space, when a conflict, disagreement, argument, or whatever you may call it, is brought up it will be easier to address with one another. A few tips to improve communication between you and your partner include making sure that you are listening when your partner is communicating with you. Use “I” statements, which are thoughts and feelings, when communicating with our partners using phrases such as “I feel” or “I am”. The last thing I want to share about communication is that you will want to avoid assigning blame when sharing those thoughts and feelings with your partner. 

Now, not everyday is going to be sunshine and rainbows, even with a solid foundation of friendship, conflict will arise. This is not an indication that the relationship is bad or broken in any way, in fact it is something that may be considered normal and somewhat healthy. As in any human relationship that contains more than one human will have conflict, as there are two (or more) individuals, with individual thoughts and feelings sharing space in a relationship. But by having a friendship established and maintained, you will be able to have these conflicts/disagreements/fights and be able to more easily talk about them, paving the path to come back together as a team. 

If any part of this sounds overwhelming, you may need to seek help from a third party, like a relationship therapist. By having this outside help, they can take what you and your partner may view as relationship mountains and help mold them into relationship hills. Seeking out this additional support can be a great way to increase the level of friendship you have with your partner, as well as hone in on any other areas you may feel need a little extra support. 

Now. With all this knowledge, go forth and build that friendship!