Did You Know There Were Different Types of Sexual Desire?

am I broken?

A question, as sex therapists, that we hear too frequently from clients whose sexual desire does not match their partners. What if there was nothing wrong with you, but that you just experienced desire differently than your partner? Read below to find out more.

I talk about desire a lot in my work as a sex therapist, as one of the most common concerns shared in my office is about desire level. Couples and individuals alike sit across from me and talk about the differences in desire they are experiencing with their partner or partners. Some clients tell me how their desire is much higher than their partner or partners, sometimes expressing concern that they may want sex too much. Then I hear from different clients that they feel their desire level is too low, and those clients often wonder how they can create more desire.

The collective theme that often emerges when working with these clients is ‘What is wrong with me?’ or ‘Am I broken?’, followed by a plea for me to fix them. And when these pleas cross their lips, they stab me right in the heart. Because there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with either partner. The request to be fixed also sends me into education mode on the different types of desire, to help the client gain an understanding of their desire.

“ The first thing to know is that there are different types of desire, so it’s not just a one size fits all type of thing.”

so, what is desire?

We’ve all probably heard the term desire, but what does it mean? Going to dictionary.com it defines desire as; a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen. Ok, great so it means we really really want something or for something to happen. So, applying that to sexual desire, it makes a whole lot of sense why people have concerns about their desire not aligning with those in their lives.

Now, let’s break down sexual desire. The first thing to know is that there are different types of desire, so it’s not just a one size fits all type of thing. Now, you may be asking yourself at this point, what ARE the different types of desire? Well, they are spontaneous desire, responsive desire, and contextual desire.

 Spontaneous Desire

Spontaneous desire is often described as a desire that seems to appear out of nowhere or takes very little stimulation to feel. For example, if you are walking along and see an attractive person walking across the street and the sight of this person gets you thinking to yourself ‘wow! That is a good-looking human’. The stimulation has been received and then turns to having sexy thoughts, that is spontaneous desire! It can also be described as having desire pop up out of nowhere producing those sexy thoughts. This type of desire is what most people think of when they think of sexual desire. 

 Responsive Desire

Okay, so then what is responsive desire? Isn’t everyone just supposed to think about sex or sexy things and then make sex happen? Short answer, no. Now for the long answer.

Responsive desire occurs when a sexual stimulus is introduced to an individual and then they feel those thoughts of desire. That means that when a person who has responsive desire has decided to make out with a partner (or whoever they choose to make out with), they may not have any desire for sexual contact prior to deciding to make out or kiss. But after they have engaged in the kissing, they start to have thoughts like ‘okay, this is nice, and I now want to progress with some sexy sexy sex!’ Or whatever they choose to progress with. The desire is RESPONDING to stimulation that is happening, hence responsive desire.

Contextual Desire

But wait, there’s more! What can I say I watched way too many infomercials in my 20’s and the phrase stuck. Okay, back to desire! This last type of desire is contextual desire, as identified by Dr. Emily Nagoski, writer of “Come As You Are”. That book is an amazing resource if you’re looking to further your learning of the topic, and others around women’s sexuality.

So, contextual desire. As the name suggests, it is dependent on the context that surrounds any stimulation introduced. For example, say your partner approaches you and plants a kiss directly on your lips. In this scenario, you are well rested, you don’t feel stressed and nothing else must be done. So, you may think, ‘alright, this is nice, let’s keep kissing’, and this can lead to more thoughts or actions around sexy things.

The next scenario involves the same kiss from your partner, but there is stress happening, you feel exhausted, and other tasks are on your mind, so you don’t respond to the kiss. Instead, you take the kiss and move about to those other tasks, with nothing sexy registering with you. Now, the opposite can also happen in this scenario and produce a somewhat negative reaction to the stimulation. These reactions are typically verbal and can include things like ‘Not right now, honey’ or ‘Why are you bothering me?’, depending on how stressed you may feel at the moment. As that stress level can dictate how the response may come out. See how context can take the wheel of desire?

Now what?

We learned what the three types of desire are, now what? Well, I hope that you were able to find some understanding about your personal desire and maybe even some insight into a partner’s desire type. This is powerful knowledge, being able to name your type of desire is huge! Because now you can share it, helping to make your partner or partners better lovers for you. Or even better you can become a better lover for yourself!