I talk about desire a lot in my work as a sex therapist, as one of the most common concerns shared in my office is about desire level. Couples and individuals alike sit across from me and talk about the differences in desire they are experiencing with their partner or partners. Some clients tell me how their desire is much higher than their partner or partners, sometimes expressing concern that they may want sex too much. Then I hear from different clients that they feel their desire level is too low, and those clients often wonder how they can create more desire.

The collective theme that often emerges when working with these clients is ‘What is wrong with me?’ or ‘Am I broken?’, followed by a plea for me to fix them. And when these pleas cross their lips, they stab me right in the heart. Because there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with either partner. The request to be fixed also sends me into education mode on the different types of desire, to help the client gain an understanding of their desire.

so, what is desire?

We’ve all probably heard the term desire, but what does it mean? Going to dictionary.com it defines desire as; a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen. Ok, great so it means we really really want something or for something to happen. So, applying that to sexual desire, it makes a whole lot of sense why people have concerns about their desire not aligning with those in their lives.

Now, let’s break down sexual desire. The first thing to know is that there are different types of desire, so it’s not just a one size fits all type of thing. Now, you may be asking yourself at this point, what ARE the different types of desire? Well, they are spontaneous desire, responsive desire, and contextual desire.

Now what?

We learned what the three types of desire are, now what? Well, I hope that you were able to find some understanding about your personal desire and maybe even some insight into a partner’s desire type. This is powerful knowledge, being able to name your type of desire is huge! Because now you can share it, helping to make your partner or partners better lovers for you. Or even better you can become a better lover for yourself!